Though There be Autumn in My Life

 Note: I thought of saving this post until the actual fall as this poem was written during the fall.  However, some of you may be going through an Autumn in your soul now - this is for you.  

Additionally, I share some rather raw emotions in this blog regarding how the church handles "singles".  Please note that I do this out of love - first, for those who minister in the body of Christ to know how to better minister to an individual struggling with similar issues as I was. Secondly, I love and ministered alongside individuals who were/are mentors to me.  Many of my struggles I could not share as I have here, so they were likely not aware of the difficulties caused by some words and actions - I am confident they were well meaning in the ways they wanted to help.  

For those of you who have walked this journey with me, sat in silence with me, prayed for and with me - thank you.  I had saved this post, as I was pursuing publication, but I have chosen to share it here in a self-published manner.  

Though There be Autumn in My Life

Whirling winds rushed leaves across the road as the stone grey sky passed overhead.  I was driving home - the same path I took every day.  I had finally achieved something of a “career” as I was starting my 4th year as a high school teacher.  I was “doing what I loved”, but I felt cold and numb.  Here I was 6 years out of Christian college and still single, in my small home church where I had ministered for years.  Almost every Sunday I heard advice on how to get a man or what they would do to decorate the church when I finally had a wedding.  Their comments and suggestions however started becoming less frequent.  Occasionally, I would come in with a crowd expecting to be greeted, but those in a cohesive family unit were greeted and helped, leaving me standing in the doorway alone.  I supposed that if someone had never been single for their whole adult life, then the lifestyle might be hard to interact with, and I saw myself to my own pew.  Not that I needed help - but my singleness glared in that moment as I felt less important than those of a family unit they had prayed would come.  

Was this my life?  

I guess I had expectations I hadn’t even known - to be married, to have kids, to make a happy home.  And here I was - a single, high school teacher in a small town with daily reminders that I was not what I had hoped to be nor what others expected of me either.  I had fear - fear of being jaded, fear that my prayers would be unanswered, and fear that I would turn out to be someone I despised: bitter and apathetic.  

Had I not prayed for this? Hadn’t I struggled with God to show me the path for me? And here it was - down Collegiate Avenue, a 5 minute drive to home from the best High School in the Region.  It was undoubtable. Every step of the way, God had opened the next opportunity to guide me to this place.  

I was angry - struggling with God at the very place He had obviously placed me. Actually, I was hurt.  I knew He could answer my prayers and that He could provide the very things I hoped for.  He had provided it for my friends - so why not me? What did He want me to learn or to do in this place?

  Amidst this mental dialogue with myself and God, I curved along the road.  Then suddenly, the clouds broke open and the sun’s glowing light appeared.  With the sunbeam, God warmed my soul, and these words flooded my heart.  

Though there be Autumn in my life, the beauty still I see. 

My hopes defer and dreams realize that day to day may have monotony. 

My purpose clear, though blurred by questions

Yet suddenly - 

Like the sun breaking through the clouds on a icy day, 

You warm my soul within me. 

The bitter frost that hardens heart and numbs emotion

Melts when the Son’s light shines through. 

The clouds roll back, though dark they bode, for mightier than these is the Son. 

What makes the warmth even in the cold? 

The beauty even in the dark?

His gift of life

The glory of creation 

His gift of love

The glory of devotion

One moment of time and 15 lines of verse, and it was enough.  As the sun sent a golden beam to the road straight ahead of me that was still patched with shadow, I suddenly had hope.  I could not yet see some glorious path that fit all of the standards, but in that moment I saw what He wanted for me.  He wanted me to be faithful and to see the glory of devoting my soul to Him no matter how grey the pathway looked and no matter how often I followed it.  

In Tolkein’s Return of the King, Samwise Gamgee is in “the land of shadow.”  Tolkein describes this scene:

Far above the Ephel Dúath in the West the night-sky was still dim and pale.  There,

peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam

saw a white star twinkle for a while.  The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked

up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him.  For like a shaft, clear and

cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and

passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.

My daily drive home was a far cry from an epic quest to destroy a ring of power and eliminate the evil forces that worked in Middle Earth.  What were the shadows but my own fear, doubt, and despair?  Yet in the simple way of daily devotion, my quest was to fight off those shadows, to see Christ’s beauty in the day to day, and to show it to others.  Often the bravest quest is facing the darkness you create yourself.  Paul talks of “bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ,” (2 Corinthians 10:5b) and it is in this way we heroically fight the evil forces in and around us that would seek to destroy our testimony and steal our joy.  When we cling to this message of hope, the light of Christ and the beauty of devotion will remain kindled even when we journey through the land of shadow.